Suburban BDSM

Integration is hard
September 29, 2012, 3:43 pm
Filed under: The American way

Am going to my first American play party this evening. I am guardedly excited, it’ll be nice to meet some fellow kinksters, and see how things work out here.. I have set up one and a half play times , which is also a new concept for me, but apparently everybody is just free to do whatever with whomever, and then from 7-7:30 you get your ass kicked from some guy, if you’d like.
Right now I see all these Americans standing around in some living room wearing sweat pants and t-shirts, talking with potatoes in their mouths, and waiting for the female sub to take the initiative. Then when that happens, the guy either grunts an assent or shakes his head, then ask how he may please the woman.. “would you like to be beaten with this?? Maybe some bondage?? Is this pleasant, oh strong independent woman?”. At least it’s not intimidating.. and I have friends who are coming too.. in which role, I have no idea.
if nothing else it’ll be an interesting anthropological study. Am starting to doubt that I am really from the same planet as these people, though


I shaved my pussy for this??
September 28, 2012, 12:04 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

So I met another would be Dom yesterday. This time he didn’t just muck about, telling to which throws of ecstasy he would send me, like the last guy (two hours of self indulgent talk, with absolutely no vibes in the direction of any pleasant form of action). No, about two seconds after I meet him (and after I’d told him I’m on the phone with my husband for safety reasons) he pulls up my skirt and sticks a finger in my..  Then starts groping himself, while he tells me to show him my breasts.

No really, this happened, I swear. I am officially a magnet for sad looser doms. I’d talked to the guy for a fairly long time. He seemed nice and reliable, into it for sure, if somewhat new to the whole deal. He never pushed too much, except for the last time I talked to him. Really, I had no idea he would be that clueless.  When I told him that it really wasn’t working, he just left in about 10 seconds.

Another thing. He is now the second guy to brag of his splendid physics online, show me pictures where he’s buffed beyond reason, and then when I see him, he is very overweight, in bad shape, and at least 10 years older than the picture.
In spite of my unfriendly rant last time, I am not all that superficial. If your heart is that of a Master, and you are empathic and into it, I will most likely not run screaming. But sending me a picture from your glory days, then being the forty, fat and finished type… is not a big promoter of trust. And certainly not lust

After he left, I spend a little time laughing at myself.

In my head, these Dom men are such a specific type. I get all riled up, thinking it’ll be this hot splendid encounter, and then the reality is such a slap in the face, that I sputter awake in about 30 seconds. Maybe it’s good to be shaken a little at times.
One thing is absolutely sure. I’m done with the whole internet confidence thing. Unless I see you, I will not believe you are anything at all.. Well.. maybe except for this one guy, who’s really..

Burst of bile
September 26, 2012, 6:51 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

“Hey, do you like being tied up like this?” “I could maybe beat you a little.. What about a flogger?” “Was that nice? Please moan”
Impact play my fucking ass. Learned the word this week, and already hate it.

(deleted the meanest of this, got too mean)

Masochism is fine, and I get that it can be part of bdsm.. but I find it misleading to say you are into it BDSM, and then not include the D/s or D part (as in Bondage domination, Domination submission and Sado Masochism). Strictly speaking it would be just SM..

And now that I am at it. Play time?? Really? That was the best you could come up with? Play party, play session? That sounds like something for three year olds. Even teenagers would balk at those term. When I am doing bdsm, it is NOT play. I don’t giggle and do make-believe. If you do that, then fair enough. Enjoy.. Leave me out of it

Feel isolated and frustrated. So much for staying positive. Hope the weekend at least offers a little diversion. And sleep. It’s been two weeks with bad sleep now. Come please, fucking teeth.

James and Lange
September 22, 2012, 3:04 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

Where not kinksters.. not as far as I know, anyway. They where old white men, and as such, they had the right to make theories, and be listened too.

Their theory (that they didn’t make together, but came up with independently.. but almost simultaneously) is that the bodily reactions are what precedes and determine how we think we feel.

the famous example is the bear in the woods: you walk around, see a bear, and then:

your heart starts beating faster, your pupils dilate, the blood is diverted from digestion to muscles and so on and so forth.

Does this happen BECAUSE you are scared? No, says mr. James and Mr. Lange, your body reacts, you feel your body and go “oh, I must be scared.. ”

Of course it’s not as simple as all that, or psychology would be more popular and less difficult to use  if that was the case (real psychology, not the self help bs). But there’s certainly a tendency among most people to read their bodies, and then interpret it as emotions..

Yes, people is also me. Am feeling tired, vexed at toddlers constant screaming and nagging (endless molars coming in) and since the miscarriage I haven’t been able to do any sports because of my constant aching back. Instead of stepping back and analysing, I’ve done the stupid: body feels bad: mind must miss something. Am not saying I don’t miss the kink, and would gladly kiss the feet of any willing man to make me.

After a trip to our sad but existing kink-room, I still feel bad. Short tempered (sorry hubby) and a little needy. Ok, very needy, who’s counting, anyway?

It was a nice kinky experience.. got to dress up in my lovely ballerina heels

Corset, and be tied up and beaten. I was still to much in my head, especially since I have the feeling that hubby is trying to please me with it.. not himself. Still, it was really nice.

Nothing says love like bruises and abrasions. More positive outlook from now on, I almost promise..


sharing the vibe
September 20, 2012, 5:47 pm
Filed under: the mundane

Just felt like spreading my depression a little.. smearing it all over cyber space. Nobody wants to beat me, tie me up and abuse me!

Sad, I know. And not entirely true.. have found people willing to do it, just none I can relate to. Even the most promising  cyber friends seem to just disappear. Maybe I should start getting their numbers, so I can stalk them into beating me at least once..

Am having a lazy day with baby at home. He’s so tired after a visit with some bigger kids yesterday, that all he wants to do is hang, read, play ipad and watch shaun the sheep.. I can relate, so I’m letting him. Napping is apparently not something he feels he ought to do any more. Ok in a sense, because in principle, that should mean  more play time for hubby and I.

In real life it means more time to watch game of thrones. Have suggested a trip to the naughty room in the basement several time, and the time to shut up has come. Hubby doesn’t wanna.. He just wants cuddly sex on the sofa, and snuggles while we watch tv. Maybe another sub gal might wake him up? Not that I’m likely to find any..

Am really frustrated at the moment, can’t stop thinking about BDSM constantly, and it’s distracting and tastes more and more of bitterness. Hopefully it will soon be transferred to something more constructive..

Like writing about fictional peoples great sex life.. *sigh*

Or maybe I’ll write a paper on how stupid all men are, because they don’t want to beat me, tie me up and abuse me..

Recieved and lost
September 19, 2012, 12:41 pm
Filed under: Biology life lessons

It’s been a few very eventful weeks. About three weeks ago, we got a positive pregnancy test. We where thrilled, scared (was very sick last time) and just excited. We made arrangement, told everybody here, and then we lost it. started cramping and bleeding like crazy. Hubbie was out travelling at the time, and was all alone with it. Well I had my son, which was a fantastic thing, but it was still surprisingly difficult thing to bear alone. It wasn’t until my husband got back home that I could really let myself go and be sad. Composed sad, since baby boy was still around. The strange thing is, that I really wasn’t that keen on becoming pregnant, but after loosing the embryo, it was the only thing I wanted.

We’ve had time to refocus, and I am trying very hard not to think about it to much, and to focus a little more on other positive forces in my life.

Like sex and bdsm? yes! those would be the ones.

Aaand I’m right back to square one with the master finding. There are some possibles out there, but things have a tendency to not turn out with people here. I really don’t understand why. Maybe there’s something about my form of communication that just shouts RUN to any sane kinky male? Female too, for that matter

I’ve been thinking that CROP (the cedar rapids group) might be the choice, even if it would mean a fortune in babysitting,  and long travels..
Am sooo strung up, and really need a bdsm session to just let me escape a little, get out of my head. I don’t even remember the last time I got to really leave all the nonsense behind, and just be whatever Master wants me to be. Even in the sessions with hubbie, it has been so hard to let go of that stupid endless internal commentator. I’m thinking it might work with another switching session, this time with a little aid from a good kinky friend from the old world..

Maybe it is also a lack of purpose that makes me so restless. But how can I start therapy or anything, if a potential new pregnancy can pull me out of the game without warning? It wouldn’t be fair.  So what else is there but to focus on being as depraved as possible. And I’m pretty good at that, if I may say so myself

Well, a batch of mascarpone needs to be made, and some lady fingers wont bake themselves (damn american supermarkets with tons of processed food, but nothing to make real food from)



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