Suburban BDSM


new things and old sores
October 7, 2012, 2:22 pm
Filed under: Events

The second I step out of the car, I know this is going to be fun. The man I’m with is already looking pissed at me staying in the car to text the address to my husband. He puts on a blind fold (on me, ok, the other way would have been really lame), and guides me through what seems like miles of docking and stepping over things. Immediately I feel his control, and his insistence that I trust him. And I realise I do, even in heals.

When we enter a tiny (very cold) dungeon, he roughly checks that I have complied with his commands.. Matching underwear (which, pathetically, I don’t have). He then strips me, and leads me to the cross at the end of the room. He pushes me around a little, ties me up, and scolds me. It’s nice to feel helpless and at the mercy of a man again, but whenever I really let go into the feeling, I can’t help but long for my husband. I try to suppress it and let my self go, but it wont leave me.

If this is what infidelity (well, depends on the definition, hubbie did tell me to do this) feelt like, then it’s not really worth it. I enjoy it, surely, but in the end, it leaves me longing more for the ice cold blue eyes of my husband the Master, more that it lets me escape. Such a darn shame.

another thing has been weird. The small of my back is constantly aching, which it hasn’t for over a week. And the smell of cigarettes (though pleasantly fresh, more like new tobacco, not stale smoke) on the Dom I’m with really takes up more space in my brain than it ought.

Coming home, my husband is playing with our son on the floor, and he seems a little distant. Feel like kicking him for screwing me up like this, for not wanting that part of me more. My back aches something awful, and I shower and dress in my nice plush mickey mouse pants and go join the boys on the floor. Am hoping he will order me to throw out those pants, which I know he hates, but he doesn’t. It’s not him anymore

we talk a little, but hubbie remains distant and awkward. I tell him I think I might be pregnant again, but I’m not sure I can deal with knowing.

He orders me to go take a test, and I do. It’s positive. Neither of us can be happy, we just hold each other and sit for a while. I can only think of miscarriages and pain, no image of any newborn this time. We will make no plans, and there will be no surfing for baby clothes, and discussing names this time. All it does is leave a knot of fear in my tummy. Not too close to the little forming life I hope

As with every other issue in our lives, it makes me crave control and submission even more intensely. Just being tied up tightly, have my hair pulled back to look in his eyes.. even a little spanking would be a release.. But I know he reacts opposite, so I’ve asked him if he’ll let me take control tonight, and I will make him submit more this time. Maybe I can live it a little through him, and he wont have to plan and take control. Just hope my back is up to it.

we’re seeing some fellow kinksters today just to watch the game (ahm, yes, I don’t know which game, but there’ll be snacks!) and it is so nice to be around people who’ll really understand.. and good friends at that. So there’s light at the end of the tunnel. And will try to force my husband to come to a play party too. It does have potential, and it is nice to get some inspiration, and meet fellow perverts..

All is for the best in the best possible world (and I hope this will jinx me less than it did Candide)

 

 

 

 

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Hope!
October 3, 2012, 12:52 pm
Filed under: the mundane, The nature of Kink

Met with a Dom yesterday, and I think this time it might be just right. No bs, no posing and no premature gestures of any kind. And he seems like a real nice guy too.

I simply can’t wait to our first real meeting.. (what? don’t like the session word). In a sense, this relationship can be more pure than any I could have with my husband, since I can be his sub all the time, and never have to be wife or mother.. friend and what not too. Can’t believe how excited I am, and I don’t think I’ve realised how much I’ve missed that place.. of surrender and reliance on a Master/Dom. Something more real than the casual “scene” followed by small talk and tv.

I was nervous like crazy yesterday, but now I just feel grounded and excited. There where moments, where I just wished it could have been hubbie, and not anyone else. Still remember the feeling of melting in to his eyes, completely at his mercy, feeling him engulf all that is me, knowing I would obey his every whim without hesitation.. But it can’t be a half hearted thing, and I still have hubbie the father and husband.. Maybe one day he’ll really feel the motivation again, and until then, this could be fantastic.

Subspace in the sense I’ve learned about it is btw different than what I’ve heard americans use it. They talked about it as the endorphin rush you get after a certain amount of pain. To me (and others, I’m sure) it’s a place of surrender, where you have given up your will and sense of autonomy to someone else.. Can be deeper or not so much so, but it’s definitely an altered state of consciousness.. A side of me that is always in me, but does not often come out to play any more.
Felt a little bad after I got a message from a fellow kinkster about the last post. I did like everyone I met at the play party. There wasn’t a single unpleasant person there, and everyone was friendly and nice. And as far as parties goes, it certainly wasn’t bad (at least I got to ogle some ass)

After the candle scene, I’ve had the most horrid marks. Some are just red and sore, but others have formed blisters, and the skin is peeling. I know I should have checked that the candles where of the right kind. It’s so stupid. And darn ugly too. Too bad I’ll be all marked for the first time with my potential something..

 



A sub and a sub, a Dom and a Dom
October 1, 2012, 1:50 pm
Filed under: The American way

As soon as I step into the room, I feel the hush inside me. Here I am another person, and my actions and attitudes have consequences. Four Doms and two Dommes are sitting in the chairs. Around them submissives m/f are kneeling or sitting on the floor. Everyone is wearing clothes appropriate to their stations. There are corsets and high heels, leather pants and black shirts. It is a thrill just to look at the people, all shapes and forms, but all dressed up to the ninth.

Obediently, I kneel at the feet of my Master. He pulls my hair back, looks into my eyes, and tells me to go get him a drink. I scamper to comply. The Bartender is dominant, and I ask him politely for a Coke. Not polite enough for him. He asks me to curtsey any time I meet him, or talk to him. I comply, but he still feels it is necessary for my Master to know of my disrespect. When I kneel again, handing the Coke to Master, he tells me to put my head down and ass in the air. Then he smacks me a few times. Hard, to make his point. My eyes water, and I feel embarrassment at the exposure, and for having let down Master..
After I’ve thanked him like a good sub, I sit and talk quietly with the others.. Slowly people move out into the room. The conversation quiets further, as we look at the beautiful things around us. Later Master takes me to the bench and punishes me for some infractions during the week. Then he sits at the bar while I’m tied up. He lets one of the Dommes use me, as he either watches or talks, or join other scenes. I can always feel his presence, his influence and protection. When we leave the atmosphere still fills me for hours, like a lingering embrace. The real world seems somehow less real

This is what I came from. I knew it would be different, but I had no idea.

As I get closer, the distinctive smell of frying fills the air. As we step into a crowded kitchen, I see some men wearing stained t-shirts, and some women in everyday clothes. There are two men in shirts, and I know I’m the cause of that. They are in a party mood, and they are loud and rowdy. Lots and lots of open bottles fill the kitchen counter. There is a silent feeling of  “dare, dare, dare” in the air, and slowly we sit down to eat. The rowdy mood has only intensified, and people are drinking heavily. They are talking about how drunk they might get, and about alcohol. It is impossible to tell who’s a Dom and a sub, and everyone seem to be poking at everyone.

One woman makes fun of the “kneel slave” type dom, and I feel a pang of nostalgia. Some talk about getting marks, and about inciting Doms to make them act. I am trying very hard to fit this into something I can relate too, and I am hopeful, excited but also feeling very much out of my water.. Yes, and maybe a little disappointed. The food is good, and everyone seems happy. Roles and levels of participation are established through a round. Then two people strip down completely, and not long after that people go out in groups to beat on each other. Everything is very consensual, and nobody seems to be anyones sub in any sense I can recognise.

The person I have talked to about a “play time” is setting up, and since he has told me I go first, I go to him. I must initiate myself, and I ask him if I should go change. I’m still wearing jeans and a t-shirt. When I change, there are some people laughing, and playing with electricity. It does look nice, but to me it has nothing to do with being a sub. It seems obvious that these people are into receiving pain. I don’t bother with all my nice dress up, but simply put on a shirt skirt and teddy (sexier than it sounds), and hurry over to my very first “play partner”.

He scratches me sensually, then flogs me and canes me softly. He’s very skilled, obviously, knows just when to strike, when to pause and stroke, and when to hit a little harder. I try to loose myself in it, but it’s no good. It is like a very pleasant massage, making me more sleepy than horny. When the pain starts to intensify, I ask him to stop, apologize, and scamper off.

I spend most of the rest of the night wandering around looking a little, but never seeing anything to really stir me. My friend ties up his wife and whips her in a hog tie, that’s about the hottest sight all night.

Other than that it seems to be mostly the subs in charge, and the Doms that please them. What I would just call masochists and well.. Men (and woman). The only time anything really stirs, is my friends hand in my hair, pulling my head back. He doesn’t take it further than that, but it’s nice to know that at least one person understands a little. I feel like I’m about to burst, that’s how much I long for strong hands to hold me down and punish and abuse me. Just on otk real spanking would be such a release. The doms are either occupied, unable or too drunk. Besides, asking for it directly would be very awkward. I still have no idea how to even approach anyone about anything. Obviously the rules between subs and doms are not the same here, and they even mean something completely different. And politely asking to be forced and subdued just seems wrong somehow

I participate in a candle scene, and it is at least a little brutal, and it’s obvious the drippers enjoy themselves through my swearing and wriggling. It’s something, I tell myself on the way home in the car. Nothing like a little burn to help you cope. Mostly I’m just deflated and disappointed. Now at least I know why nobody here has understood me. When they hear Master, they think service top. The want to please you with a flogger. Maybe an updated profile will help. Everyone has been very nice. Not for a moment have I felt threatened or insecure about anything. Maybe in time..

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