Suburban BDSM


Roads to enlightenment, Gaia, enkidu and suck my cock
April 7, 2014, 1:15 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Am lying in the tub, soaking in scalding water. My baby daughter is being a strain on my poor husbands nerves next door, and I bet I am too. It’s been a weird weekend.
I’m just not happy today. It might be hormones, it might be sleep deprivation, it might be sub drop, it might be the inevitable pain of existence without enlightenment, or it might be my lack of connection to the goddess. Am trying to get through and not bother too many people on the way. And I’m trying to come to term with my life as mostly servitude without the master I crave. To just be a mother and relish that, without counting the hours until I get to kneel at his feet again. To enjoy every day, and be more in the now. To led things slide without having to make everything make huge waves. Especially not letting myself get carried away by my husbands constant emotional flux. It isn’t mine! Why can’t I just keep calm and let him deal as best he can? Getting annoyed every time is such a waste of energy and time. And positively harmful.
It’s nothing new. It’s been going on for years. Nothing makes me feel more desperately stuck than going over the same issues again and again. Either I accept him as he is, or I find a way to move on. Anything else is unfair to all four of us. Sometimes I feel it’s just fear that keep me sustained in everything. I try to do brave life altering things.. But there is a real lack of courage just below the surface. I’ve been in a relationship virtually uninterrupted since I was 18. That’s 15 years now. Am I leaning on it? On a man to define me? Or on issues in a dyad to keep from facing my real issues?
Sunday nights are awfully depressing. Another day, and another week of life spent. Another week and another day soon to be faced again. And the eternal drudgery of existence seems occasionally pointless. I try to see the beauty in pushing up the stone one more time. The glimpse of real connection and beauty behind the shadows.. But I’m not succeeding today. Lost on my sea of emotion, instead of calmly above it. And am generally happy, which is more than what most people can say, I know. There’s beauty in a choice, but there’s also the burden of carrying it.
Man. Am so melodramatic and narcissistic today. Need some assertiveness training and a giant kick in the ass.
Have been reading up on pagan bdsm. The book I’m reading “the ordeal path” is mostly mystical mumble jumble. Great if you need a place to find a good lubricant incantation, But there are points of.. Things I can really relate too. I’m pretty sure I’d want to smack the author with a frying pan after about 30 seconds, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have some valid points.
There really is something magical and sacred about the connection one can achieve through bdsm. Beyond the constant babble about “natural endorphins!” . I really want to try to explore that path more intensely and with intent (though ironically, it can’t be by me). See where pain and control could take me and us.

I let my husband tie me up yesterday because he had actually set up for it on his own initiative, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want it. I don’t even know how to talk about it, I’m so afraid of hurting him, and making things worse. The thing is, I don’t even know myself. I just know that’s what my gut is telling me. There’s just not enough connection for that. Or the wrong kind.
Am hoping for a tomorrow with less introspection and head conversation, and more being connected and being in the now.
Sending my cosmic rays out through the ether to new dom.. I feel he’s part of me now too. damn. Am really becoming a sentimental fool!! Shut up and keep calm

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