Suburban BDSM

The baby girl inside
July 16, 2014, 5:29 pm
Filed under: submission romantic ramblings

My Master finally send me the long awaited story he has been writing on for such a long time. And it freaked me out! It turned me on too, but I felt disturbed by it as well. Profoundly.
It was full of abuse and degradation. But it wasn’t the issue. It was the fact that neither person felt anything but hatred and disgust on one side, and lust and sadism on the other.
I’ve meditated on why it should disturb me. Besides from punching and drawing blood, the story really didn’t contain anything I don’t find arousing.

I guess there is a baby girl in me somewhere. Who crave the stern, unyielding care of a more father symbolic Master. Someone who’d take care of me, even as he used me. Who’d care what I feel like, even as he insists on me being what he choses, and as he controls me and hurts me.
So I guess I do get the desire of wanting to snuggle up in the infinitely strong arm of a man who can, and will hurt me if he wants too, or if he feels I need it.

The name daddy may still make my stomach turn, but I do kinda get it.
My heart cries Master, not daddy. But it is intensely emotional, and .. Dependent. A bit like the relationship of a child and a caregiver, I guess.
A very little bit, hopefully. But still a lot more than nothing.
Read a pretty crappy bdsm novel recently. It’s an abduction story. The heroin wakes up and inquires who is in the room with her, and her Master tells him it’s her Master. She asks where she is, and he shushes her, tells her everything is ok, because she’s exactly where he wants her to be. It’s all down hill from there, but i loved that bit. That’s the kinda calm I feel too (not that it worked on that girl), but giving up control and feeling safe just in knowing Master is in charge, and things will happen as he choses no matter what. Kinda childish, certainly.

“Abandon all hope, ye who enters here”

My well read Master quoted in the story. It made me think.. I think the beauty of surrender to a Master is that too. It’s not a bad thing to abandon hope in hell. That’s kinda the point. If the people in Dante’s inferno would only surrender completely, most of them would be free. With submission it’s a bit the same. Giving oneself over to Masters will without hoping or even thinking about anything but pleasing him is where the calmness and joy of it lies. The pain and the punishment also help focus that. When I begin thinking about what I want, what I think he should do, I ruin the joy of it, and the reason I really crave it.


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