Suburban BDSM

Recieved and lost
September 19, 2012, 12:41 pm
Filed under: Biology life lessons

It’s been a few very eventful weeks. About three weeks ago, we got a positive pregnancy test. We where thrilled, scared (was very sick last time) and just excited. We made arrangement, told everybody here, and then we lost it. started cramping and bleeding like crazy. Hubbie was out travelling at the time, and was all alone with it. Well I had my son, which was a fantastic thing, but it was still surprisingly difficult thing to bear alone. It wasn’t until my husband got back home that I could really let myself go and be sad. Composed sad, since baby boy was still around. The strange thing is, that I really wasn’t that keen on becoming pregnant, but after loosing the embryo, it was the only thing I wanted.

We’ve had time to refocus, and I am trying very hard not to think about it to much, and to focus a little more on other positive forces in my life.

Like sex and bdsm? yes! those would be the ones.

Aaand I’m right back to square one with the master finding. There are some possibles out there, but things have a tendency to not turn out with people here. I really don’t understand why. Maybe there’s something about my form of communication that just shouts RUN to any sane kinky male? Female too, for that matter

I’ve been thinking that CROP (the cedar rapids group) might be the choice, even if it would mean a fortune in babysitting,  and long travels..
Am sooo strung up, and really need a bdsm session to just let me escape a little, get out of my head. I don’t even remember the last time I got to really leave all the nonsense behind, and just be whatever Master wants me to be. Even in the sessions with hubbie, it has been so hard to let go of that stupid endless internal commentator. I’m thinking it might work with another switching session, this time with a little aid from a good kinky friend from the old world..

Maybe it is also a lack of purpose that makes me so restless. But how can I start therapy or anything, if a potential new pregnancy can pull me out of the game without warning? It wouldn’t be fair.  So what else is there but to focus on being as depraved as possible. And I’m pretty good at that, if I may say so myself

Well, a batch of mascarpone needs to be made, and some lady fingers wont bake themselves (damn american supermarkets with tons of processed food, but nothing to make real food from)




IUD of mental health
August 1, 2012, 12:37 am
Filed under: Biology life lessons | Tags:

The last year and a half, I have been walking around with a little piece of plastic and metal permanently stuck waaay up my punani. No, it wasn’t some kind of really kinky sub thing, it was what Americans like to call an IUD.  It was the deluxe model, my man likes to spend money on his little pet. It gave of hormones in a steady stream, which in the end kept me permanently from my moon time. Which I liked a lot.

We could do any kind of kinky thing we wanted, we didn’t have to think about pills, rubbers, little absurd (and oddly always pink) rubber bowls  filled with sperm killing goo..  Nothing. The only problem is, that I didn’t feel like BDSM. Being a shrink, of course my first and only thought was, that something wasn’t right in our relationship.  That having become a mom had made me want pain and dick less. You know, a little like you might imagine it would be, when you think what having children might be like. I devised plans of therapeutic petting and cuddling, that we never really got around to doing..

And then only a short week after having said intra uterinarian device removed, I was back to my old horny and kinky self.  So maybe it wasn’t my mom being absent and a bitch in need of a bashing, nor my dad’s lack of interest in raising me that made me the crazy skank I am today. Maybe it all boils down to chemistry?

I wouldn’t say that I didn’t want sex or BDSM when I was controlled by the implant. It’s just that I wanted it a whole lot less. I thought about sex maybe.. 5-9 times an hour.. And now it’s more like sex is my mental basis, the rest is stuff on top of that. Yes, it’s great. I feel like I can finally recognise myself again. And the options are endless. There’s so much I want to do, try, and generally drown myself in.

You might think, that being mentally healthy, or at least more so, would be a good thing. To not have the cravings to submit and be mistreated and subjugated to another persons will should be a good thing. But let’s face it. And I say this with the deepest respect for all the happy vanilla people out there: normal is boring. Really and truly boring, to the point that I’d rather live with unfulfilled fantasies, than not to have any at all (or just have boring ones)

We have a cute and demanding toddler, so our play time is limited to his nap and sleeping time.. and the time my darling hubbie is actually home. Way to little, but still there’s a whole unexplored space where television used to be (or so I hope)

One might ask one self (as one ought rightly do): What about your master/dom /owner/husband during the dry spell? Well, my lovely life partner is like a camel. He’ll drink if it’s necessary, but he can go a REALLY long time without it, and not really mind. Me, I’m more like a panda (sexy, I know).. If I’m not fed constantly, and with a very specific diet, then I become REALLY unhappy. Luckily,  my camel can often be talked into just about everything.

I am submissive and heterosexual. In my fantasies, women have no place but at the feet of some assertive/ 50 style husband / evil predator /master monster. But in real life, I like to submit to women (some), and I have a new and fantastic idea, that has left my very reasonable husband a little unsure. I would like to try to Domme him. Mainly just for the kicks, and because we can, but also because a lot of stuff have happened since we last had a really great and functioning BDSM-sex life. I think the perspective it might give us could be great for both of us. Since the idea popped into my head, I’ve been having so many great ideas and images, which of course makes me even more keen on the idea. I’ve thought about the form, and I think it shouldn’t be about pain really, since my husband isn’t  actually a sub or a masochist.


There’s a this thing, you sometime feel with other pervs, and that I can catch myself believing at times too. And it is, that being a real sub, is all about how much pain you can take without bitching. That the proof is in the pudding, the more you like being trashed, the more of a sub you are. On the surface, it seems like a pretty reasonable concept, but when you think about it, it is of course completely stupid. Being a sub is about wanting to submit, and getting a kick out of it. If it’s not a pleasure, then it’s wrong. Not that some things can’t be horrible in the moment, and fantastic in the long run. Sometimes punishment in a D/s relationships are also supposed to be horrible, which is then part of some greater scheme. But in a scene, and as a rule, being a sub should be about being able to establish  that connection of control and submission, and feeding that hungry thing inside me, which really needs and wants that. It’s not about whether I can take being beaten with a cane. The pain, especially in our sadly non TPE relationship, is supposed to be something I want and need, and that builds our relationship, not something I do to prove what a mean ass sub I am.


Anyhoo, I thought our reversed role play could be about control.. and pleasure even. Maybe I’ve been reading to much 50 shades, but pleasure seems like a reasonable goal for now.



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