Suburban BDSM

new things and old sores
October 7, 2012, 2:22 pm
Filed under: Events

The second I step out of the car, I know this is going to be fun. The man I’m with is already looking pissed at me staying in the car to text the address to my husband. He puts on a blind fold (on me, ok, the other way would have been really lame), and guides me through what seems like miles of docking and stepping over things. Immediately I feel his control, and his insistence that I trust him. And I realise I do, even in heals.

When we enter a tiny (very cold) dungeon, he roughly checks that I have complied with his commands.. Matching underwear (which, pathetically, I don’t have). He then strips me, and leads me to the cross at the end of the room. He pushes me around a little, ties me up, and scolds me. It’s nice to feel helpless and at the mercy of a man again, but whenever I really let go into the feeling, I can’t help but long for my husband. I try to suppress it and let my self go, but it wont leave me.

If this is what infidelity (well, depends on the definition, hubbie did tell me to do this) feelt like, then it’s not really worth it. I enjoy it, surely, but in the end, it leaves me longing more for the ice cold blue eyes of my husband the Master, more that it lets me escape. Such a darn shame.

another thing has been weird. The small of my back is constantly aching, which it hasn’t for over a week. And the smell of cigarettes (though pleasantly fresh, more like new tobacco, not stale smoke) on the Dom I’m with really takes up more space in my brain than it ought.

Coming home, my husband is playing with our son on the floor, and he seems a little distant. Feel like kicking him for screwing me up like this, for not wanting that part of me more. My back aches something awful, and I shower and dress in my nice plush mickey mouse pants and go join the boys on the floor. Am hoping he will order me to throw out those pants, which I know he hates, but he doesn’t. It’s not him anymore

we talk a little, but hubbie remains distant and awkward. I tell him I think I might be pregnant again, but I’m not sure I can deal with knowing.

He orders me to go take a test, and I do. It’s positive. Neither of us can be happy, we just hold each other and sit for a while. I can only think of miscarriages and pain, no image of any newborn this time. We will make no plans, and there will be no surfing for baby clothes, and discussing names this time. All it does is leave a knot of fear in my tummy. Not too close to the little forming life I hope

As with every other issue in our lives, it makes me crave control and submission even more intensely. Just being tied up tightly, have my hair pulled back to look in his eyes.. even a little spanking would be a release.. But I know he reacts opposite, so I’ve asked him if he’ll let me take control tonight, and I will make him submit more this time. Maybe I can live it a little through him, and he wont have to plan and take control. Just hope my back is up to it.

we’re seeing some fellow kinksters today just to watch the game (ahm, yes, I don’t know which game, but there’ll be snacks!) and it is so nice to be around people who’ll really understand.. and good friends at that. So there’s light at the end of the tunnel. And will try to force my husband to come to a play party too. It does have potential, and it is nice to get some inspiration, and meet fellow perverts..

All is for the best in the best possible world (and I hope this will jinx me less than it did Candide)






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