Suburban BDSM


What’s in a name
August 7, 2014, 3:11 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

The word Slave is controversial on a good day? What it implies seem to vary.
It’s someone who is owned by someone else, for sure. That part I kinda like. I’d love to be someone’s property, to do with as they see fit… To be used when ever they want, and kneel at their feet waiting for their slightest gesture, to please their every desire.

There are two midgets to whom I am tied more intensely than anything on this earth, and I know I could never be someone’s other than for very limited periods of time. Still the idea appeals to me

There’s another side to being a slave though. The side where the Master cares little for the slave, and simply takes her work and presence for granted. It’s romanticized intensely by many women with submissive natures. I see it everywhere. The highly romantic submissive pinning away for the slightest touch of their Master, analyzing indifference and neglect in a way to make it look like love and domination.
“He decided he wouldn’t use me for the week, but let me learn the valuable lesson of my position by fucking my sister slave instead”
No, honey. It isn’t care and teaching. He doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings, wants, needs. It’s not romance, it’s neglect.
Some may actually want neglect.
I don’t though. And when ever I read those often reeeeaaally lengthy entries, I cringe.
Maybe it’s in the nature of most humans to eventually take for granted and ignore really submissive people. But life is too short, and I’ll never want that again. I do work all day now, never having anyone appreciate my work, but at least I choose it, and I labor under no illusions about how it will please any Master.
I guess deep down, I don’t want to be the woman assigned to do all the work that men feel their time is too valuable to do. Only to be noticed if not done well enough, and then with righteous indignation and attacks on my femininity. It really doesn’t feel satisfactory to me in the least.

I guess I had made this picture in my head of a Master who really saw me, and wanted good things for me. Who knew that serving him was of value, and that my time and effort wasn’t worthless. Who’d make me do housework for specific reasons, but who’d work hard too. Not mowing the lawn and cleaning the gutters as some sort of exchange (it REALLY doesn’t cut it in the least). Nor would he feel like he was too good for anything. He’d see me.. Care for me, and make sure that I’d have a variety of tasks for my sake too. His mastery would be one of trying to make the most of me. Not as to wring out every drop of use out of me so his bathroom would shine, but because he’d care for me.
And I guess that just isn’t slavery.
I never want to pine away in despair for a look or tiny bit of attention from any man ever again. It’s a waste of my time and resources and an insult. Men who’d demand that are not what I want.

I guess it’s in the reciprocal relationship between a submissive and a dominant, both invested in it, that I want to be. Domination is love to me.. Specific domination though.
I guess I’m still more intense than most subs. I’d like the whole… Tied up at the foot of the bed, sucking him off as he watches tv, rape and (not overlooked) service. But waisting my emotions, intellect, time and effort on essentially air… Never ever again.
So I don’t want to use that label again. It’s not me. And it makes me intensely angry to see it. Angry for all the hours of
weeping over unworthy men, ironing, cooking, cleaning and never getting anything in return. Fuck that.
I want! And I’ll fucking get now

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May 27, 2014, 1:38 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

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Hope!
October 3, 2012, 12:52 pm
Filed under: the mundane, The nature of Kink

Met with a Dom yesterday, and I think this time it might be just right. No bs, no posing and no premature gestures of any kind. And he seems like a real nice guy too.

I simply can’t wait to our first real meeting.. (what? don’t like the session word). In a sense, this relationship can be more pure than any I could have with my husband, since I can be his sub all the time, and never have to be wife or mother.. friend and what not too. Can’t believe how excited I am, and I don’t think I’ve realised how much I’ve missed that place.. of surrender and reliance on a Master/Dom. Something more real than the casual “scene” followed by small talk and tv.

I was nervous like crazy yesterday, but now I just feel grounded and excited. There where moments, where I just wished it could have been hubbie, and not anyone else. Still remember the feeling of melting in to his eyes, completely at his mercy, feeling him engulf all that is me, knowing I would obey his every whim without hesitation.. But it can’t be a half hearted thing, and I still have hubbie the father and husband.. Maybe one day he’ll really feel the motivation again, and until then, this could be fantastic.

Subspace in the sense I’ve learned about it is btw different than what I’ve heard americans use it. They talked about it as the endorphin rush you get after a certain amount of pain. To me (and others, I’m sure) it’s a place of surrender, where you have given up your will and sense of autonomy to someone else.. Can be deeper or not so much so, but it’s definitely an altered state of consciousness.. A side of me that is always in me, but does not often come out to play any more.
Felt a little bad after I got a message from a fellow kinkster about the last post. I did like everyone I met at the play party. There wasn’t a single unpleasant person there, and everyone was friendly and nice. And as far as parties goes, it certainly wasn’t bad (at least I got to ogle some ass)

After the candle scene, I’ve had the most horrid marks. Some are just red and sore, but others have formed blisters, and the skin is peeling. I know I should have checked that the candles where of the right kind. It’s so stupid. And darn ugly too. Too bad I’ll be all marked for the first time with my potential something..

 



I shaved my pussy for this??
September 28, 2012, 12:04 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

So I met another would be Dom yesterday. This time he didn’t just muck about, telling to which throws of ecstasy he would send me, like the last guy (two hours of self indulgent talk, with absolutely no vibes in the direction of any pleasant form of action). No, about two seconds after I meet him (and after I’d told him I’m on the phone with my husband for safety reasons) he pulls up my skirt and sticks a finger in my..  Then starts groping himself, while he tells me to show him my breasts.

No really, this happened, I swear. I am officially a magnet for sad looser doms. I’d talked to the guy for a fairly long time. He seemed nice and reliable, into it for sure, if somewhat new to the whole deal. He never pushed too much, except for the last time I talked to him. Really, I had no idea he would be that clueless.  When I told him that it really wasn’t working, he just left in about 10 seconds.

Another thing. He is now the second guy to brag of his splendid physics online, show me pictures where he’s buffed beyond reason, and then when I see him, he is very overweight, in bad shape, and at least 10 years older than the picture.
In spite of my unfriendly rant last time, I am not all that superficial. If your heart is that of a Master, and you are empathic and into it, I will most likely not run screaming. But sending me a picture from your glory days, then being the forty, fat and finished type… is not a big promoter of trust. And certainly not lust

After he left, I spend a little time laughing at myself.

In my head, these Dom men are such a specific type. I get all riled up, thinking it’ll be this hot splendid encounter, and then the reality is such a slap in the face, that I sputter awake in about 30 seconds. Maybe it’s good to be shaken a little at times.
One thing is absolutely sure. I’m done with the whole internet confidence thing. Unless I see you, I will not believe you are anything at all.. Well.. maybe except for this one guy, who’s really..



Burst of bile
September 26, 2012, 6:51 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

“Hey, do you like being tied up like this?” “I could maybe beat you a little.. What about a flogger?” “Was that nice? Please moan”
Impact play my fucking ass. Learned the word this week, and already hate it.

(deleted the meanest of this, got too mean)

Masochism is fine, and I get that it can be part of bdsm.. but I find it misleading to say you are into it BDSM, and then not include the D/s or D part (as in Bondage domination, Domination submission and Sado Masochism). Strictly speaking it would be just SM..

And now that I am at it. Play time?? Really? That was the best you could come up with? Play party, play session? That sounds like something for three year olds. Even teenagers would balk at those term. When I am doing bdsm, it is NOT play. I don’t giggle and do make-believe. If you do that, then fair enough. Enjoy.. Leave me out of it

Feel isolated and frustrated. So much for staying positive. Hope the weekend at least offers a little diversion. And sleep. It’s been two weeks with bad sleep now. Come please, fucking teeth.



James and Lange
September 22, 2012, 3:04 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

Where not kinksters.. not as far as I know, anyway. They where old white men, and as such, they had the right to make theories, and be listened too.

Their theory (that they didn’t make together, but came up with independently.. but almost simultaneously) is that the bodily reactions are what precedes and determine how we think we feel.

the famous example is the bear in the woods: you walk around, see a bear, and then:

your heart starts beating faster, your pupils dilate, the blood is diverted from digestion to muscles and so on and so forth.

Does this happen BECAUSE you are scared? No, says mr. James and Mr. Lange, your body reacts, you feel your body and go “oh, I must be scared.. ”

Of course it’s not as simple as all that, or psychology would be more popular and less difficult to use  if that was the case (real psychology, not the self help bs). But there’s certainly a tendency among most people to read their bodies, and then interpret it as emotions..

Yes, people is also me. Am feeling tired, vexed at toddlers constant screaming and nagging (endless molars coming in) and since the miscarriage I haven’t been able to do any sports because of my constant aching back. Instead of stepping back and analysing, I’ve done the stupid: body feels bad: mind must miss something. Am not saying I don’t miss the kink, and would gladly kiss the feet of any willing man to make me.

After a trip to our sad but existing kink-room, I still feel bad. Short tempered (sorry hubby) and a little needy. Ok, very needy, who’s counting, anyway?

It was a nice kinky experience.. got to dress up in my lovely ballerina heels

Corset, and be tied up and beaten. I was still to much in my head, especially since I have the feeling that hubby is trying to please me with it.. not himself. Still, it was really nice.

Nothing says love like bruises and abrasions. More positive outlook from now on, I almost promise..

 



The femministic slave
August 2, 2012, 7:20 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

Having surfed around today, while my son has been playing in the sandbox, petting bugs (he loves bugs) and watering the concrete, I’ve come back to some of the dilemmas I’ve faced on earlier occasions (reading Ludwigs blog). I think people have the right to choose what ever they want to do with whom ever (consenting sane adult of the human species) they wish to do it with. I’m for womens right.. I think equal work should give equal pay and I hated it when I was patronised because of my gender at work and at the university.

However I looooove the idea of the big bad chauvinistic bastard forcing me to submit, humiliating and degrading in the best 50 style (with more pain, nakedness and sex). I have a definite fetish for CDD (Christian domestic discipline) in spite of being an ardent atheist. It’s a chauvinism fetish, but I’m aware of it. Had I not studied for too many years, read and always felt sorta beside the whole gender thing, I would probably be one of those people complaining of anyone feeling different from me, and insisting that GOD (or nature) ordained that men be the natural rulers of women.

I’ve even considered dating guys (prior to hubbie of course) who truly believe the above, just because I want it SO BADLY. I watch 50 films just for the occasional chauvinistic remark, Doris Day realising she belongs at home, serving her husbands needs, not the world. It does spill over into real life, how can it not? I can’t help but relish when some guy gets bossy. I only hated it at work and the university because it truly wasn’t who I was there. And still I couldn’t help fantasise about having a boss who was equally bossy, but more into CP 🙂 The few times Hubbie has used that kind of verbal humiliation have been fantastic

O well, I’m sick. I just thought I ought to write, at least once on the blog, that people wanting other things than M/f are perfectly fine and dandy… But it is my fetish, no matter how un PC it might be.

The arrangement Hubbie and I had earlier, where our kink spilled into and filled all our life was great. My ultimate dream is still complete and constant submission, even though I know it’s probably not going to happen until I’m old and flubby.

I’ve thought about my CDD fetish. I don’t know what it is about Christianity (or actually just about any chauvinistic religion) that gets me.. I think it’s the thought of someone having the right to punish me.. It’s just really hot. It disturbs me on some deep fundamental level too, because Christianity (and again, all other religions maybe except Jainism) has the potential to be so twisted and truly scary too. To overrule morale and your better judgement, and really hurt people.
Well, am still badly in need of bdsm, and hubbie wont be home until tomorrow evening, and then he’ll most likely be pretty beat. That’s why women should have more than one dom 🙂




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