Suburban BDSM

Down and up
March 24, 2014, 2:49 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Yesterday, my husband and I had our date afternoon. Again we had the discussion of why I don’t want him to dom me at the moment. It’s too confusing. Have got to let go of those desires to be his sub so much, that I make myself and him miserable. Well. Prolly mostly myself.
Instead we did what we did last time. I service topped. It sounds a lot less fun than it is. I tied him up, and blindfolded him. Caressed him in all sorts of ways, licked and nibbled and just had fun whilst spoiling him rotten. I don’t enjoy dominating him (we’ve tried that), but this I do enjoy. A lot. Afterwards we just snuggled, embraced and relished being alone together, naked and with time on our hands. He’s agreed to do it more often. We tend to glide in to the roles of parents and problem solvers, and forgetting the lovers bit.
I hope in time we can also incorporate some (more intense) bdsm into our relationship. I think it will take a very different shape though. It might be part roleplaying, and maybe more akin to service topping in both directions. I suggested he might try topping as opposed to domming me, and the retort was he hasn’t ever done anything but that. I hope it wasn’t completely honest, but I guess I am to blame for it not working too. Asking too much for what I wanted, which by definition I don’t want. Am trying very hard not to make the same mistake with new dom. He is conscious of it too, and super experienced (and awesome!) which makes things a lot easier there, though.
It was an amazing weekend. With both men. Very different, and very satisfying both. I feel like I can glimpse an outline of what the future might hold for my husband and me. It’s infinitely comforting to feel more positive about that relationship. Having things work out with new dom, and slide with husband is very very scary to me. I know my relationship with new dom (who so needs a new short hand) is something completely different than what I have with my husband. It’s not a.. Pay the bills, do the laundry, care for the kids thing. And it feels different in every other way too. So it’s never going to be a replacement, it’s always going to be an add on. A mind blowingly awesome add on, but just the same. I guess it being that great sometimes makes me feel guilty. We’re still new at this, and my husband sadly subless. Hopefully time and habit will slowly change the way those things feel, and make all the difference.


Optimistic and wasted
March 23, 2014, 1:07 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Am deadly tired, and sore. Yesterday wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. The play party was very different from what I’d expected. The single atmosphere void room was cold as hell, and I ended up a complete icicle again.
There where too many people for the square footage, and most of them where not very into any head space I could relate too, and many where in the American uniform of baggy T and old jeans. I had an Amazing time. Amazing. Because of new Dom.. Some pictures and feelings I simply can’t get out of my head, they are such an overload of awesomeness, it’s almost too much to be real. I may not have networked as much as I could have. Was way to nervous before, and way to spaced out under. Right now I totally don’t care, though.
Having a pure D/s relationship rocks. I can totally surrender to his awesomeness, without ever having to deal with the reality of his human frailty and off days. Yes, I’d like to have tried dealing with that, but as it is, it has it’s own purity. I totally forgot how he might react to seeing other people he cared about, and well.. Anything but his intentions towards me (yes, subspace is super narcissistic sometimes) and his wants.. In a lot more direct sense.
I get annoyed with myself at times. Seem to need to fill every pause with just fluff ranting, instead of just going with it, when I’m nervous. And I was surprisingly so yesterday. I also found it hard being myself when talking to other kinksters, and obviously controlled by him. It’s never been a problem before, but I was overly conscious of the fact that we where the only real D/sy people.. There. Annoyed that I couldn’t just let that be, and not care. After all, if they do judge, who cares?? But well. Live, learn. Fail better.
Am now going to enjoy my little human (and very annoying) fussy teddy bear, and her big brother. Later today a date with my husband, which will be a very slow and apathetic affair, if he doesn’t let me sleep 🙂
Then there’s gardening, speech therapy, play dates, job search, house fix up and life. But I can stop and remember the look in his eyes as he ignored my pleas for mercy, and beat me until I screamed. The feeling of his hands on my chin, just in control but caring and soooo connected. The slap that send me roaring into a deeper part of myself, still those dark almost gentle eyes demanding I try to improve myself. And so many many others. My life is pretty damn awesome and glamorous. Am so fucking lucky on so many levels. Screw sleep and a clean house

Positive perspectives
March 19, 2014, 2:20 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

When I’m feeling disconnected from my husband, I try to think of positive things. The things that made me fall in love with him. It helps me from busting his skull in with a frying pan, and remind me of why he also makes me very happy sometimes
One time, when we had just started going out (which Danes don’t really do, but in lack of a better word), we where riding the bus. There was this older lady who chatted us up. She was kinda annoying, talked way to much about nothing. But my husband kept her chatting. Asked her about her day and thoughts. After we got off, I was a little vexed. Then he said, that he knew she was annoying. But that she seemed lonely, and a conversation with him, and a little attention might really make her day, making it well worth the effort
I hadn’t even seen her as a person in that way, but he had that way of simply recognizing her, and complying with her needs, with no thought for any gain or game.
When I was pregnant with our second child, I would get back pains, severe ones. I wouldn’t even notice after a while, I’d just get so angry and frustrated and be really unreasonable. He never once lashed back. He simply treated it patiently and without getting in to power games. I didn’t know he knew how I felt, until I overheard him telling a friend, that he knew I didn’t mean it, and was just feeling bad.
Many of those stories really. Many times he screws up too. But he’s human. And his empathy was what made him a great dominant. Sometimes it felt like he could read me my mind.. And I do love him

New friends and old ones.
March 16, 2014, 2:14 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I haven’t posted on this blog for a really really long time. In the meanwhile, we’ve moved, and we’ve had a wonderfully cute family addition. She has learned to stuff her grubby baby food filled paws deep down our throats, and make a sound like a helicopter. She’s big and accomplished in other words, and it has been a long while.
Other things have happened. I’ve gained a lot of wait, and lost a lot of wait, although not as much as I would like. We’ve also slowly started to be more active. There has been some biiiig fights, some big decisions and a whole lot of floor cleaning and everyday drudgery.
I’ve also met a Dom, with whom I’m now “hanging” .. Or something. We haven’t been together that many times (four to be precise) and it’s still kinda new. But it’s also kinda awesome.
It seems like a different world before we started talking. I think I’m finally coming to terms with hubby truly not ever ever ever wanting 24/7. Yes. I’m extremely slow. Glacial, even. But sometimes outside things have to stir up ones mind. Fluff up the dusty set wheels that have set them selves in the old familiar hopeful waiting, which in the end is just the stuff that bitterness is made of. I’m not saying I’m over the bitterness, I’m not. And it resurfaces occasionally, but new paths have formed. It may not be the romantic ones I used to have, but it might just be good too
My meetings with new dom have been a real outlet, but I’d be lying if I claimed to not miss it in between meetings, and that my wish for D/s 24/7 has diminished
However. This post was really supposed to be about today’s and yesterday’s time with said dom.
I don’t really feel like writing a blow by blow account of what happened. It’s only hours since he left. I’m tired and feeling kinda pooped out.
Maybe I’ll rant a little about his style instead. The first time he came over, I was totally and utterly nervous. Which is such a great thing. Nervousness is totally underestimated. It kinda reminds me that I’m extremely interested in the outcome.. And it makes me self-conscious. And that’s awesome when I’ve made it to the supermarket with my boob sticking out of the breast feeding top.
When we did finally make it to our basement, it was awkward and embarrassing as it possibly could be. And in spite of this being the start, he just has this presence. Calm, and unaffected. Himself and still totally in charge. Yes, am not unbiased. Was buzzing after the first meeting.
This, the fourth, was the most awesome yet, though.
Ok. This post is officially lame. But somehow I don’t feel comfortable writing down everything. There’s also a lot to report. All the little issues, and little victories. The normalness and messyness of it, the transcendental moments of it. The lack of intimacy due to our restrains (no kissing or snuggling). And the incredible intimacy of it on other levels. Like being with a stranger and my closest friend at the same time.
There are little moments, like when he asks me to turn around, to put on my collar. Where I wish I could be more in the moment, and less stupid giggly… What ever. But I still get to enjoy it.. Intensely. His hands just moving across me skin, his eyes fixed on mine, or the mostly futile attempts to keep mine on the floor while in “Nadu” (Gorean kneeling).

new things and old sores
October 7, 2012, 2:22 pm
Filed under: Events

The second I step out of the car, I know this is going to be fun. The man I’m with is already looking pissed at me staying in the car to text the address to my husband. He puts on a blind fold (on me, ok, the other way would have been really lame), and guides me through what seems like miles of docking and stepping over things. Immediately I feel his control, and his insistence that I trust him. And I realise I do, even in heals.

When we enter a tiny (very cold) dungeon, he roughly checks that I have complied with his commands.. Matching underwear (which, pathetically, I don’t have). He then strips me, and leads me to the cross at the end of the room. He pushes me around a little, ties me up, and scolds me. It’s nice to feel helpless and at the mercy of a man again, but whenever I really let go into the feeling, I can’t help but long for my husband. I try to suppress it and let my self go, but it wont leave me.

If this is what infidelity (well, depends on the definition, hubbie did tell me to do this) feelt like, then it’s not really worth it. I enjoy it, surely, but in the end, it leaves me longing more for the ice cold blue eyes of my husband the Master, more that it lets me escape. Such a darn shame.

another thing has been weird. The small of my back is constantly aching, which it hasn’t for over a week. And the smell of cigarettes (though pleasantly fresh, more like new tobacco, not stale smoke) on the Dom I’m with really takes up more space in my brain than it ought.

Coming home, my husband is playing with our son on the floor, and he seems a little distant. Feel like kicking him for screwing me up like this, for not wanting that part of me more. My back aches something awful, and I shower and dress in my nice plush mickey mouse pants and go join the boys on the floor. Am hoping he will order me to throw out those pants, which I know he hates, but he doesn’t. It’s not him anymore

we talk a little, but hubbie remains distant and awkward. I tell him I think I might be pregnant again, but I’m not sure I can deal with knowing.

He orders me to go take a test, and I do. It’s positive. Neither of us can be happy, we just hold each other and sit for a while. I can only think of miscarriages and pain, no image of any newborn this time. We will make no plans, and there will be no surfing for baby clothes, and discussing names this time. All it does is leave a knot of fear in my tummy. Not too close to the little forming life I hope

As with every other issue in our lives, it makes me crave control and submission even more intensely. Just being tied up tightly, have my hair pulled back to look in his eyes.. even a little spanking would be a release.. But I know he reacts opposite, so I’ve asked him if he’ll let me take control tonight, and I will make him submit more this time. Maybe I can live it a little through him, and he wont have to plan and take control. Just hope my back is up to it.

we’re seeing some fellow kinksters today just to watch the game (ahm, yes, I don’t know which game, but there’ll be snacks!) and it is so nice to be around people who’ll really understand.. and good friends at that. So there’s light at the end of the tunnel. And will try to force my husband to come to a play party too. It does have potential, and it is nice to get some inspiration, and meet fellow perverts..

All is for the best in the best possible world (and I hope this will jinx me less than it did Candide)





October 3, 2012, 12:52 pm
Filed under: the mundane, The nature of Kink

Met with a Dom yesterday, and I think this time it might be just right. No bs, no posing and no premature gestures of any kind. And he seems like a real nice guy too.

I simply can’t wait to our first real meeting.. (what? don’t like the session word). In a sense, this relationship can be more pure than any I could have with my husband, since I can be his sub all the time, and never have to be wife or mother.. friend and what not too. Can’t believe how excited I am, and I don’t think I’ve realised how much I’ve missed that place.. of surrender and reliance on a Master/Dom. Something more real than the casual “scene” followed by small talk and tv.

I was nervous like crazy yesterday, but now I just feel grounded and excited. There where moments, where I just wished it could have been hubbie, and not anyone else. Still remember the feeling of melting in to his eyes, completely at his mercy, feeling him engulf all that is me, knowing I would obey his every whim without hesitation.. But it can’t be a half hearted thing, and I still have hubbie the father and husband.. Maybe one day he’ll really feel the motivation again, and until then, this could be fantastic.

Subspace in the sense I’ve learned about it is btw different than what I’ve heard americans use it. They talked about it as the endorphin rush you get after a certain amount of pain. To me (and others, I’m sure) it’s a place of surrender, where you have given up your will and sense of autonomy to someone else.. Can be deeper or not so much so, but it’s definitely an altered state of consciousness.. A side of me that is always in me, but does not often come out to play any more.
Felt a little bad after I got a message from a fellow kinkster about the last post. I did like everyone I met at the play party. There wasn’t a single unpleasant person there, and everyone was friendly and nice. And as far as parties goes, it certainly wasn’t bad (at least I got to ogle some ass)

After the candle scene, I’ve had the most horrid marks. Some are just red and sore, but others have formed blisters, and the skin is peeling. I know I should have checked that the candles where of the right kind. It’s so stupid. And darn ugly too. Too bad I’ll be all marked for the first time with my potential something..


A sub and a sub, a Dom and a Dom
October 1, 2012, 1:50 pm
Filed under: The American way

As soon as I step into the room, I feel the hush inside me. Here I am another person, and my actions and attitudes have consequences. Four Doms and two Dommes are sitting in the chairs. Around them submissives m/f are kneeling or sitting on the floor. Everyone is wearing clothes appropriate to their stations. There are corsets and high heels, leather pants and black shirts. It is a thrill just to look at the people, all shapes and forms, but all dressed up to the ninth.

Obediently, I kneel at the feet of my Master. He pulls my hair back, looks into my eyes, and tells me to go get him a drink. I scamper to comply. The Bartender is dominant, and I ask him politely for a Coke. Not polite enough for him. He asks me to curtsey any time I meet him, or talk to him. I comply, but he still feels it is necessary for my Master to know of my disrespect. When I kneel again, handing the Coke to Master, he tells me to put my head down and ass in the air. Then he smacks me a few times. Hard, to make his point. My eyes water, and I feel embarrassment at the exposure, and for having let down Master..
After I’ve thanked him like a good sub, I sit and talk quietly with the others.. Slowly people move out into the room. The conversation quiets further, as we look at the beautiful things around us. Later Master takes me to the bench and punishes me for some infractions during the week. Then he sits at the bar while I’m tied up. He lets one of the Dommes use me, as he either watches or talks, or join other scenes. I can always feel his presence, his influence and protection. When we leave the atmosphere still fills me for hours, like a lingering embrace. The real world seems somehow less real

This is what I came from. I knew it would be different, but I had no idea.

As I get closer, the distinctive smell of frying fills the air. As we step into a crowded kitchen, I see some men wearing stained t-shirts, and some women in everyday clothes. There are two men in shirts, and I know I’m the cause of that. They are in a party mood, and they are loud and rowdy. Lots and lots of open bottles fill the kitchen counter. There is a silent feeling of  “dare, dare, dare” in the air, and slowly we sit down to eat. The rowdy mood has only intensified, and people are drinking heavily. They are talking about how drunk they might get, and about alcohol. It is impossible to tell who’s a Dom and a sub, and everyone seem to be poking at everyone.

One woman makes fun of the “kneel slave” type dom, and I feel a pang of nostalgia. Some talk about getting marks, and about inciting Doms to make them act. I am trying very hard to fit this into something I can relate too, and I am hopeful, excited but also feeling very much out of my water.. Yes, and maybe a little disappointed. The food is good, and everyone seems happy. Roles and levels of participation are established through a round. Then two people strip down completely, and not long after that people go out in groups to beat on each other. Everything is very consensual, and nobody seems to be anyones sub in any sense I can recognise.

The person I have talked to about a “play time” is setting up, and since he has told me I go first, I go to him. I must initiate myself, and I ask him if I should go change. I’m still wearing jeans and a t-shirt. When I change, there are some people laughing, and playing with electricity. It does look nice, but to me it has nothing to do with being a sub. It seems obvious that these people are into receiving pain. I don’t bother with all my nice dress up, but simply put on a shirt skirt and teddy (sexier than it sounds), and hurry over to my very first “play partner”.

He scratches me sensually, then flogs me and canes me softly. He’s very skilled, obviously, knows just when to strike, when to pause and stroke, and when to hit a little harder. I try to loose myself in it, but it’s no good. It is like a very pleasant massage, making me more sleepy than horny. When the pain starts to intensify, I ask him to stop, apologize, and scamper off.

I spend most of the rest of the night wandering around looking a little, but never seeing anything to really stir me. My friend ties up his wife and whips her in a hog tie, that’s about the hottest sight all night.

Other than that it seems to be mostly the subs in charge, and the Doms that please them. What I would just call masochists and well.. Men (and woman). The only time anything really stirs, is my friends hand in my hair, pulling my head back. He doesn’t take it further than that, but it’s nice to know that at least one person understands a little. I feel like I’m about to burst, that’s how much I long for strong hands to hold me down and punish and abuse me. Just on otk real spanking would be such a release. The doms are either occupied, unable or too drunk. Besides, asking for it directly would be very awkward. I still have no idea how to even approach anyone about anything. Obviously the rules between subs and doms are not the same here, and they even mean something completely different. And politely asking to be forced and subdued just seems wrong somehow

I participate in a candle scene, and it is at least a little brutal, and it’s obvious the drippers enjoy themselves through my swearing and wriggling. It’s something, I tell myself on the way home in the car. Nothing like a little burn to help you cope. Mostly I’m just deflated and disappointed. Now at least I know why nobody here has understood me. When they hear Master, they think service top. The want to please you with a flogger. Maybe an updated profile will help. Everyone has been very nice. Not for a moment have I felt threatened or insecure about anything. Maybe in time..


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