Suburban BDSM

Am lying in the tub, soaking in scalding water. My baby daughter is being a strain on my poor husbands nerves next door, and I bet I am too. It’s been a weird weekend.
I’m just not happy today. It might be hormones, it might be sleep deprivation, it might be sub drop, it might be the inevitable pain of existence without enlightenment, or it might be my lack of connection to the goddess. Am trying to get through and not bother too many people on the way. And I’m trying to come to term with my life as mostly servitude without the master I crave. To just be a mother and relish that, without counting the hours until I get to kneel at his feet again. To enjoy every day, and be more in the now. To led things slide without having to make everything make huge waves. Especially not letting myself get carried away by my husbands constant emotional flux. It isn’t mine! Why can’t I just keep calm and let him deal as best he can? Getting annoyed every time is such a waste of energy and time. And positively harmful.
It’s nothing new. It’s been going on for years. Nothing makes me feel more desperately stuck than going over the same issues again and again. Either I accept him as he is, or I find a way to move on. Anything else is unfair to all four of us. Sometimes I feel it’s just fear that keep me sustained in everything. I try to do brave life altering things.. But there is a real lack of courage just below the surface. I’ve been in a relationship virtually uninterrupted since I was 18. That’s 15 years now. Am I leaning on it? On a man to define me? Or on issues in a dyad to keep from facing my real issues?
Sunday nights are awfully depressing. Another day, and another week of life spent. Another week and another day soon to be faced again. And the eternal drudgery of existence seems occasionally pointless. I try to see the beauty in pushing up the stone one more time. The glimpse of real connection and beauty behind the shadows.. But I’m not succeeding today. Lost on my sea of emotion, instead of calmly above it. And am generally happy, which is more than what most people can say, I know. There’s beauty in a choice, but there’s also the burden of carrying it.
Man. Am so melodramatic and narcissistic today. Need some assertiveness training and a giant kick in the ass.
Have been reading up on pagan bdsm. The book I’m reading “the ordeal path” is mostly mystical mumble jumble. Great if you need a place to find a good lubricant incantation, But there are points of.. Things I can really relate too. I’m pretty sure I’d want to smack the author with a frying pan after about 30 seconds, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have some valid points.
There really is something magical and sacred about the connection one can achieve through bdsm. Beyond the constant babble about “natural endorphins!” . I really want to try to explore that path more intensely and with intent (though ironically, it can’t be by me). See where pain and control could take me and us.

I let my husband tie me up yesterday because he had actually set up for it on his own initiative, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want it. I don’t even know how to talk about it, I’m so afraid of hurting him, and making things worse. The thing is, I don’t even know myself. I just know that’s what my gut is telling me. There’s just not enough connection for that. Or the wrong kind.
Am hoping for a tomorrow with less introspection and head conversation, and more being connected and being in the now.
Sending my cosmic rays out through the ether to new dom.. I feel he’s part of me now too. damn. Am really becoming a sentimental fool!! Shut up and keep calm

I saw my dom/ new dom maybe master yesterday night. On a week night. Again it was just.. Such a.. Transcendental and at the same time so incredibly just… Down to earth and almost relaxed experience. One I enjoyed very much, but now there’s again issues. With husband. And am feeling worn out and tired.. In general and about it. It’s hard to not just feel guilty and wrong and horrible.
Am so tired of it. It’s tainting everything, but I can’t seem to come up with any coping strategies. Maybe tomorrow will look better

Anyway. It was nice. It seems the further he takes me, the more I just want him to.. Do everything. All the things I’m most scared of. I want him to just.. Break me and use me, and … Be so mean and evil to me. Make me take so much more. At the same time I’m finally totally able to let go and not worry in the least about what he is going to do. And just accept his leadership or.. It’s hard to describe. Enjoy the tranquility of no choice.
Old demons did raise their heads, thoughts like.. He’s not really enjoying this, he’s doing it for me etc. gotta learn to let go of that
I still can’t orgasm… It’s so weird. It seems I’m almost there when I just kneel in front of him. It’s totally intense, but it never actually goes there.
P

Yesterday, my husband and I had our date afternoon. Again we had the discussion of why I don’t want him to dom me at the moment. It’s too confusing. Have got to let go of those desires to be his sub so much, that I make myself and him miserable. Well. Prolly mostly myself.
Instead we did what we did last time. I service topped. It sounds a lot less fun than it is. I tied him up, and blindfolded him. Caressed him in all sorts of ways, licked and nibbled and just had fun whilst spoiling him rotten. I don’t enjoy dominating him (we’ve tried that), but this I do enjoy. A lot. Afterwards we just snuggled, embraced and relished being alone together, naked and with time on our hands. He’s agreed to do it more often. We tend to glide in to the roles of parents and problem solvers, and forgetting the lovers bit.
I hope in time we can also incorporate some (more intense) bdsm into our relationship. I think it will take a very different shape though. It might be part roleplaying, and maybe more akin to service topping in both directions. I suggested he might try topping as opposed to domming me, and the retort was he hasn’t ever done anything but that. I hope it wasn’t completely honest, but I guess I am to blame for it not working too. Asking too much for what I wanted, which by definition I don’t want. Am trying very hard not to make the same mistake with new dom. He is conscious of it too, and super experienced (and awesome!) which makes things a lot easier there, though.
It was an amazing weekend. With both men. Very different, and very satisfying both. I feel like I can glimpse an outline of what the future might hold for my husband and me. It’s infinitely comforting to feel more positive about that relationship. Having things work out with new dom, and slide with husband is very very scary to me. I know my relationship with new dom (who so needs a new short hand) is something completely different than what I have with my husband. It’s not a.. Pay the bills, do the laundry, care for the kids thing. And it feels different in every other way too. So it’s never going to be a replacement, it’s always going to be an add on. A mind blowingly awesome add on, but just the same. I guess it being that great sometimes makes me feel guilty. We’re still new at this, and my husband sadly subless. Hopefully time and habit will slowly change the way those things feel, and make all the difference.

Am deadly tired, and sore. Yesterday wasn’t anything like I thought it would be. The play party was very different from what I’d expected. The single atmosphere void room was cold as hell, and I ended up a complete icicle again.
There where too many people for the square footage, and most of them where not very into any head space I could relate too, and many where in the American uniform of baggy T and old jeans. I had an Amazing time. Amazing. Because of new Dom.. Some pictures and feelings I simply can’t get out of my head, they are such an overload of awesomeness, it’s almost too much to be real. I may not have networked as much as I could have. Was way to nervous before, and way to spaced out under. Right now I totally don’t care, though.
Having a pure D/s relationship rocks. I can totally surrender to his awesomeness, without ever having to deal with the reality of his human frailty and off days. Yes, I’d like to have tried dealing with that, but as it is, it has it’s own purity. I totally forgot how he might react to seeing other people he cared about, and well.. Anything but his intentions towards me (yes, subspace is super narcissistic sometimes) and his wants.. In a lot more direct sense.
I get annoyed with myself at times. Seem to need to fill every pause with just fluff ranting, instead of just going with it, when I’m nervous. And I was surprisingly so yesterday. I also found it hard being myself when talking to other kinksters, and obviously controlled by him. It’s never been a problem before, but I was overly conscious of the fact that we where the only real D/sy people.. There. Annoyed that I couldn’t just let that be, and not care. After all, if they do judge, who cares?? But well. Live, learn. Fail better.
Am now going to enjoy my little human (and very annoying) fussy teddy bear, and her big brother. Later today a date with my husband, which will be a very slow and apathetic affair, if he doesn’t let me sleep 🙂
Then there’s gardening, speech therapy, play dates, job search, house fix up and life. But I can stop and remember the look in his eyes as he ignored my pleas for mercy, and beat me until I screamed. The feeling of his hands on my chin, just in control but caring and soooo connected. The slap that send me roaring into a deeper part of myself, still those dark almost gentle eyes demanding I try to improve myself. And so many many others. My life is pretty damn awesome and glamorous. Am so fucking lucky on so many levels. Screw sleep and a clean house

When I’m feeling disconnected from my husband, I try to think of positive things. The things that made me fall in love with him. It helps me from busting his skull in with a frying pan, and remind me of why he also makes me very happy sometimes
One time, when we had just started going out (which Danes don’t really do, but in lack of a better word), we where riding the bus. There was this older lady who chatted us up. She was kinda annoying, talked way to much about nothing. But my husband kept her chatting. Asked her about her day and thoughts. After we got off, I was a little vexed. Then he said, that he knew she was annoying. But that she seemed lonely, and a conversation with him, and a little attention might really make her day, making it well worth the effort
I hadn’t even seen her as a person in that way, but he had that way of simply recognizing her, and complying with her needs, with no thought for any gain or game.
When I was pregnant with our second child, I would get back pains, severe ones. I wouldn’t even notice after a while, I’d just get so angry and frustrated and be really unreasonable. He never once lashed back. He simply treated it patiently and without getting in to power games. I didn’t know he knew how I felt, until I overheard him telling a friend, that he knew I didn’t mean it, and was just feeling bad.
Many of those stories really. Many times he screws up too. But he’s human. And his empathy was what made him a great dominant. Sometimes it felt like he could read me my mind.. And I do love him