Suburban BDSM

What’s in a name
August 7, 2014, 3:11 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

The word Slave is controversial on a good day? What it implies seem to vary.
It’s someone who is owned by someone else, for sure. That part I kinda like. I’d love to be someone’s property, to do with as they see fit… To be used when ever they want, and kneel at their feet waiting for their slightest gesture, to please their every desire.

There are two midgets to whom I am tied more intensely than anything on this earth, and I know I could never be someone’s other than for very limited periods of time. Still the idea appeals to me

There’s another side to being a slave though. The side where the Master cares little for the slave, and simply takes her work and presence for granted. It’s romanticized intensely by many women with submissive natures. I see it everywhere. The highly romantic submissive pinning away for the slightest touch of their Master, analyzing indifference and neglect in a way to make it look like love and domination.
“He decided he wouldn’t use me for the week, but let me learn the valuable lesson of my position by fucking my sister slave instead”
No, honey. It isn’t care and teaching. He doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings, wants, needs. It’s not romance, it’s neglect.
Some may actually want neglect.
I don’t though. And when ever I read those often reeeeaaally lengthy entries, I cringe.
Maybe it’s in the nature of most humans to eventually take for granted and ignore really submissive people. But life is too short, and I’ll never want that again. I do work all day now, never having anyone appreciate my work, but at least I choose it, and I labor under no illusions about how it will please any Master.
I guess deep down, I don’t want to be the woman assigned to do all the work that men feel their time is too valuable to do. Only to be noticed if not done well enough, and then with righteous indignation and attacks on my femininity. It really doesn’t feel satisfactory to me in the least.

I guess I had made this picture in my head of a Master who really saw me, and wanted good things for me. Who knew that serving him was of value, and that my time and effort wasn’t worthless. Who’d make me do housework for specific reasons, but who’d work hard too. Not mowing the lawn and cleaning the gutters as some sort of exchange (it REALLY doesn’t cut it in the least). Nor would he feel like he was too good for anything. He’d see me.. Care for me, and make sure that I’d have a variety of tasks for my sake too. His mastery would be one of trying to make the most of me. Not as to wring out every drop of use out of me so his bathroom would shine, but because he’d care for me.
And I guess that just isn’t slavery.
I never want to pine away in despair for a look or tiny bit of attention from any man ever again. It’s a waste of my time and resources and an insult. Men who’d demand that are not what I want.

I guess it’s in the reciprocal relationship between a submissive and a dominant, both invested in it, that I want to be. Domination is love to me.. Specific domination though.
I guess I’m still more intense than most subs. I’d like the whole… Tied up at the foot of the bed, sucking him off as he watches tv, rape and (not overlooked) service. But waisting my emotions, intellect, time and effort on essentially air… Never ever again.
So I don’t want to use that label again. It’s not me. And it makes me intensely angry to see it. Angry for all the hours of
weeping over unworthy men, ironing, cooking, cleaning and never getting anything in return. Fuck that.
I want! And I’ll fucking get now


The baby girl inside
July 16, 2014, 5:29 pm
Filed under: submission romantic ramblings

My Master finally send me the long awaited story he has been writing on for such a long time. And it freaked me out! It turned me on too, but I felt disturbed by it as well. Profoundly.
It was full of abuse and degradation. But it wasn’t the issue. It was the fact that neither person felt anything but hatred and disgust on one side, and lust and sadism on the other.
I’ve meditated on why it should disturb me. Besides from punching and drawing blood, the story really didn’t contain anything I don’t find arousing.

I guess there is a baby girl in me somewhere. Who crave the stern, unyielding care of a more father symbolic Master. Someone who’d take care of me, even as he used me. Who’d care what I feel like, even as he insists on me being what he choses, and as he controls me and hurts me.
So I guess I do get the desire of wanting to snuggle up in the infinitely strong arm of a man who can, and will hurt me if he wants too, or if he feels I need it.

The name daddy may still make my stomach turn, but I do kinda get it.
My heart cries Master, not daddy. But it is intensely emotional, and .. Dependent. A bit like the relationship of a child and a caregiver, I guess.
A very little bit, hopefully. But still a lot more than nothing.
Read a pretty crappy bdsm novel recently. It’s an abduction story. The heroin wakes up and inquires who is in the room with her, and her Master tells him it’s her Master. She asks where she is, and he shushes her, tells her everything is ok, because she’s exactly where he wants her to be. It’s all down hill from there, but i loved that bit. That’s the kinda calm I feel too (not that it worked on that girl), but giving up control and feeling safe just in knowing Master is in charge, and things will happen as he choses no matter what. Kinda childish, certainly.

“Abandon all hope, ye who enters here”

My well read Master quoted in the story. It made me think.. I think the beauty of surrender to a Master is that too. It’s not a bad thing to abandon hope in hell. That’s kinda the point. If the people in Dante’s inferno would only surrender completely, most of them would be free. With submission it’s a bit the same. Giving oneself over to Masters will without hoping or even thinking about anything but pleasing him is where the calmness and joy of it lies. The pain and the punishment also help focus that. When I begin thinking about what I want, what I think he should do, I ruin the joy of it, and the reason I really crave it.

Protected: Burn
May 27, 2014, 1:38 pm
Filed under: The nature of Kink

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Protected: Men.. And Men.. And swimming
May 10, 2014, 12:00 am
Filed under: submission romantic ramblings

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Protected: What happened to my plan?
April 14, 2014, 12:54 pm
Filed under: the mundane

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Roads to enlightenment, Gaia, enkidu and suck my cock
April 7, 2014, 1:15 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Am lying in the tub, soaking in scalding water. My baby daughter is being a strain on my poor husbands nerves next door, and I bet I am too. It’s been a weird weekend.
I’m just not happy today. It might be hormones, it might be sleep deprivation, it might be sub drop, it might be the inevitable pain of existence without enlightenment, or it might be my lack of connection to the goddess. Am trying to get through and not bother too many people on the way. And I’m trying to come to term with my life as mostly servitude without the master I crave. To just be a mother and relish that, without counting the hours until I get to kneel at his feet again. To enjoy every day, and be more in the now. To led things slide without having to make everything make huge waves. Especially not letting myself get carried away by my husbands constant emotional flux. It isn’t mine! Why can’t I just keep calm and let him deal as best he can? Getting annoyed every time is such a waste of energy and time. And positively harmful.
It’s nothing new. It’s been going on for years. Nothing makes me feel more desperately stuck than going over the same issues again and again. Either I accept him as he is, or I find a way to move on. Anything else is unfair to all four of us. Sometimes I feel it’s just fear that keep me sustained in everything. I try to do brave life altering things.. But there is a real lack of courage just below the surface. I’ve been in a relationship virtually uninterrupted since I was 18. That’s 15 years now. Am I leaning on it? On a man to define me? Or on issues in a dyad to keep from facing my real issues?
Sunday nights are awfully depressing. Another day, and another week of life spent. Another week and another day soon to be faced again. And the eternal drudgery of existence seems occasionally pointless. I try to see the beauty in pushing up the stone one more time. The glimpse of real connection and beauty behind the shadows.. But I’m not succeeding today. Lost on my sea of emotion, instead of calmly above it. And am generally happy, which is more than what most people can say, I know. There’s beauty in a choice, but there’s also the burden of carrying it.
Man. Am so melodramatic and narcissistic today. Need some assertiveness training and a giant kick in the ass.
Have been reading up on pagan bdsm. The book I’m reading “the ordeal path” is mostly mystical mumble jumble. Great if you need a place to find a good lubricant incantation, But there are points of.. Things I can really relate too. I’m pretty sure I’d want to smack the author with a frying pan after about 30 seconds, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have some valid points.
There really is something magical and sacred about the connection one can achieve through bdsm. Beyond the constant babble about “natural endorphins!” . I really want to try to explore that path more intensely and with intent (though ironically, it can’t be by me). See where pain and control could take me and us.

I let my husband tie me up yesterday because he had actually set up for it on his own initiative, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want it. I don’t even know how to talk about it, I’m so afraid of hurting him, and making things worse. The thing is, I don’t even know myself. I just know that’s what my gut is telling me. There’s just not enough connection for that. Or the wrong kind.
Am hoping for a tomorrow with less introspection and head conversation, and more being connected and being in the now.
Sending my cosmic rays out through the ether to new dom.. I feel he’s part of me now too. damn. Am really becoming a sentimental fool!! Shut up and keep calm

Mental breaks and shoulders that won’t leave my ears
April 3, 2014, 1:11 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I saw my dom/ new dom maybe master yesterday night. On a week night. Again it was just.. Such a.. Transcendental and at the same time so incredibly just… Down to earth and almost relaxed experience. One I enjoyed very much, but now there’s again issues. With husband. And am feeling worn out and tired.. In general and about it. It’s hard to not just feel guilty and wrong and horrible.
Am so tired of it. It’s tainting everything, but I can’t seem to come up with any coping strategies. Maybe tomorrow will look better

Anyway. It was nice. It seems the further he takes me, the more I just want him to.. Do everything. All the things I’m most scared of. I want him to just.. Break me and use me, and … Be so mean and evil to me. Make me take so much more. At the same time I’m finally totally able to let go and not worry in the least about what he is going to do. And just accept his leadership or.. It’s hard to describe. Enjoy the tranquility of no choice.
Old demons did raise their heads, thoughts like.. He’s not really enjoying this, he’s doing it for me etc. gotta learn to let go of that
I still can’t orgasm… It’s so weird. It seems I’m almost there when I just kneel in front of him. It’s totally intense, but it never actually goes there.

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